Three Olives And Some Yarn

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Pupper....

Cupcake is my great dane.. he is 11.. and yes he is OLD.. i love him so much it hurts to think about a day with out him..but unfortunately that day is coming probably coming faster than i want to admit..

i came home yesterday to him.. stuck in a position..where i have no idea how long he had been there .. but he was there long enough to deficate on himself.. so i had to lift this smelly gross dog.. that i love.. up.. and get him outside so i could at least hose him off and get him to smell better.. i suppose it would be like us trying to walk on a leg that has gone numb.. i had to basically pick him up about 5 more times before i got him washed off and back in the house.. that was a work out considering he is 130 pounds

today .. he is doing much better.. i woke up to him nosing my foot wanting out.. he seems to be ok today but of course slow.. that is normal.. and i am ok with that.. i just cant lift him 5 or 6 times a day.. once is ok .. i just know i am tired and sore today from yesterday..

also know.. that if it gets to the point where he has no quality of life.. and i know he is in pain .. i will make that decision and be a selfless owner and know the time has come.. as much as i know it will hurt me.. i know i cant let him live a life where he is miserable.. sometimes i think its a shame people cant do the same thing.. sometime life hurts so bad ... but i digress

i remember picking up my little puppy a little over 11 years ago.. he barely weighed 12 pounds.. he was cute.. his paws were huge for his body ... his ears were floppy and his eyes were grey .. they matched his fur.. he was soft and silky and clumsy as hell.. he got car sick on his ride home..that afternoon we played with him.. and tuckered him out.. he laid in the hammock with me til his brother showed up that evening via my sister.. they were best friends from the start..

there have been some ups and downs in the past 11 years but i couldnt have asked for a better.. more polite .. and loving dog.. I will spend the last of his time letting him know how much i love him and try to remember all the good times..

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Pain

i wonder.. if the people that keep hurting me emotionally realize.. that it hurts me physically.. I have a condition called Fibromyalgia.. its kind of mysterious.. but it has definate things that effect me.. most of the time its brought on by intense emotional distress.. and that is the cause of mine..

the people that are now causing this distress.. i believe.. or would like to believe.. have no idea i have this disease.. because honestly .. i do try to see the best in people.. however.. it hurts me physcially when you hurt me emotionally.. its hard to explain to people..

my friend Kari.. sent me this in an email and i have copied and pasted it here for every one to read.. hoping it reaches the right place.. i have doubts that it will .. but i do have hopes..

LETTER TO PEOPLE WITHOUT CHRONIC PAIN:Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand ...... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me-- stuck inside this body.I still worry about school, my family, my friends, and most of the time - I'd still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!¨ I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one, it gets more confusing everyday. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "concentrating", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything.

That's what chronic pain does to you.Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It's quite possible (for many, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!" or Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are--to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise, or do some things to get my mind off of it¨ may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct if I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, try harder..." Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can't always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/stay in bed/or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm somewhere, or am right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. Lord knows that isn't true. In all likelihood, if you've heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we'd know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It's definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it's probably because I am. It's not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you - people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the store. You are my link to the normalcy of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I have asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN**************************

********TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN PAIN

1. People with chronic pain seem unreliable (we can't count on ourselves). When feeling better we promise things (and mean it); when in serious pain, we may not even show up.

2. An action or situation may result in pain several hours later, or even the next day. Delayed pain is confusing to people who have never experienced it.

3. Pain can inhibit listening and other communication skills. It's like having someone shouting at you, or trying to talk with a fire alarm going off in the room. The effect of pain on the mind can seem like attention deficit disorder. So you may have to repeat a request, or write things down for a person with chronic pain. Don't take it personally, or think that they are stupid.

4. The senses can overload while in pain. For example, noises that wouldn't normally bother you, seem too much.

5. Patience may seem short. We can't wait in a long line; can't wait for a long drawn out conversation.

6. Don't always ask "how are you" unless you are genuinely prepared to listen it just points attention inward.

7. Pain can sometimes trigger psychological disabilities (usually very temporary). When in pain, a small task, like hanging out the laundry, can seem like a huge wall, too high to climb over. An hour later the same job may be quite OK. It is sane to be depressed occasionally when you hurt.

8. Pain can come on fairly quickly and unexpectedly. Pain sometimes abates after a short rest. Chronic pain people appear to arrive and fade unpredictably to others.

9. Knowing where a refuge is, such as a couch, a bed, or comfortable chair, is as important as knowing where a bathroom is. A visit is much more enjoyable if the chronic pain person knows there is a refuge if needed. A person with chronic pain may not want to go anywhere that has no refuge (e.g.no place to sit or lie down).

10. Small acts of kindness can seem like huge acts of mercy to a person in pain. Your offer of a pillow or a cup of tea can be a really big thing to a person who is feeling temporarily helpless in the face of encroaching pain.

11. Not all pain is easy to locate or describe. Sometimes there is a body-wide feeling of discomfort, with hard to describe pains in the entire back, or in both legs, but not in one particular spot you can point to. Our vocabulary for pain is very limited, compared to the body's ability to feel varieties of discomfort.

12. We may not have a good "reason" for the pain. Medical science is still limited in its understanding of pain. Many people have pain that is not yet classified by doctors as an officially recognized "disease". That does not reduce the pain, - it only reduces our ability to give it a label, and to have you believe us.

Monday, August 03, 2009

So.. Umm.. Yeah

i did something completely stupid last night. I took my last of my meds night before last but didnt realise i didnt know where my refill was.. yeah.. not good. I barely slept last night.. and when i did .. i had the weirdest dreams.. the one i DID remember had me in Vegas trying to take a baby black and grey alpaca onto a plane in a dog carrier.. WTF?!.. oh yeah and martin and toni where there helping me.. double WTF!? vegas? alpaca? how the hell did martin and toni get involved.. so odd..

well then i had to be at work by 7.. after oh about 3 hours sleep.. today so sucked.. got to work and the pharmacist shoved a pill down my throat.. he made me take it in front of him.. i was gonna wait til this evening so i didnt have to do that time thing.. but i know.. and he knew.. that would have made me emotionally imbalanced all day .. so i get the task of adjusting my time back only two hours a night til i am back to taking it at 9 pm. i took my med at 8 am this morning.. so i have to set the alarm for 6 am tomorrow so i can start that journey.. and fought sleep all day today.. this is not going to be fun.. i have 5 days to get back on schedule.. this so sucks! i couldnt keep my eyes open this afternoon and had a nap but i dont feel much better.. i am trying to stay up so i dont sleep and be up at 3 am ready for my day LOL

i also get the news today that i cant go on my trip i planned this weekend. I have to work. Circumstances beyond my control. one of our employees got jumped last night and beat down.. so we have to absorb his schedule and since i was off already i got pulled to work his ours. it sucks but really .. with my meds being messed up its probably for the best.

i think i over planned this summer anyway .. but there is hope.. i might be able to work it out but i am not keeping my hopes up ..

i did do some shopping yesterday. I bought some patterns and i am going to make some retro aprons.. some hats.. and i found two adorable coats that will be made for this fall/winter. I just have to find the right colour/weight of fabric. I have decided i do not want another black coat. I have two already. I think the one is gonna be so cool for a funky kind of kitschy coat that a nice pair of gloves and hat will make very nice.. the other is very nice but i think more classic and maybe i will go for a darker apple-y green since i wear that colour often and it compliments other colours well or maybe a dark red... hell .. maybe i will make a couple.. we will see how the first one goes.

i do need to make a trip to nashville to the fabric store.. and maybe even to the fabric outlet here in town.. sometimes you can take upholstery fabric and make a coat.. like tapestries and velvets work well for this and sometimes you can even find a nice wool or silk there.. maybe that will be part of my venture tomorrow.. it would be nice to find something here in town but i am not opposed to a trip to nashville to make this happen and find the perfect fabric.. i did find some fabric for a couple aprons yesterday.. those should be fun..

well i am gonna go deep condition my hair and get ready for some sleep.. maybe..here is to a night of almost normal dreams!

Friday, July 31, 2009

looking back

the past two years have been hard on me.. and those around me.. its been a journey .. a battle.. a nightmare.. and sometimes surreal

i have been doing alot of thinking lately.. about my relationships.. life..house.. things.. i dont even know where to begin.. there are days i sit here and cry.. just really letting out all the hurt i have left inside..

one large thing i have realized is you cant make some one love you back the way you love them ever.. and sometimes.. even if they say they love you .. it doesnt mean its the same as yours.. and because you love in a different way doesnt mean they are not giving you all they have.. maybe that is the best they have ... its what they can give..i have also learned its not a crime to want more.. its not wrong to need more ..

i have been making a journey to get back to me after ten years of off and on losing myself in something that was never going to work out .. no matter how hard i tried.. but i was to stubborn to let go and realise i wasnt the failure.. sometimes things just dont work out .. for whatever reasons there may be...the blame game gets you no where

for years i have not been able to grasp the concept of monogamy.. i really dont get it .. or maybe i havent found the one that was my everything.. i find people interesting and i truly believe you can love more than one person at one time.. i find the key to making these relationships work is honesty.. and hoping the ones involved understand where you are coming from..

on the other hand.. i have found that i really like me and who i am .. or rather who i was.. and right now i am still trying to figure out who i am right now.. after years of being told what i was not.. and years of being told i was a plethora of things that just werent true .. but you know in life its much easier to believe all the bad things said about you than the good ones.. the trick is.. you have to know you ARE the good things.. and you need to surround yourself with people that support those things.. not ones that try to make you into some one they think you should be

there are still those times i wonder.. what if i did more.. what if i changed more .. what if things were different.. and the answer to all that is.. i would have just become stepford... really.. just would have been what was expected and wanted from me with no identity but being part of that group of identifers.. and the half of a whole that was dysfunctional..

so.. i am finally letting go of 11 years of baggage.. well .. let me just say maybe not 11.. it wasnt all bad..the beginning was really good.. then it was all downhill from there.. so lets say 10.. i am letting go of 10 years of fights.. disagreements.. disappointments.. insults.. mean things..it really feels good..

it also feel good to finally get some things done in this house with out a fight .. no debate over what would be better.. no fighting for what i want.. its great..

am i lonely.. ? sometimes.. is that ok ? yes.. am i sad.. ? sometimes.. but that is to be expected..

i will say i am enjoying life more.. i dont feel guilty for taking a weekend and just riding my motorcycle... i dont feel obligated to explain my self to any one .. its freeing and nice..

and all one big huge crazy adjustment.. but on the inside what i feel most is peace.. and i havent had that in a very long time

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Spring Has Sprung

this weekend.. i did my rounds.. i picked up plants from here .. coconut liners from there...made plans for mulch.. raked and de-leaved flower beds.. and i think i planted about 50 plants and spread some seeds. I was a little shocked to see some of the things i was sure would come back this year not.. and somethings i was sure that would die didnt..

its weird how it all works out that way huh? .. i picked up some things i have never planted before and we will see if they can survive in my garden LOL.. i am hoping more things stick around this year than last. A couple of the roses i bought last year totally surprised me because they were on the discount bin looking rather weak and pale..but came back this year in full force.. the clematis i planted a couple years ago has gone crazy! its blooming completely abundantly !! i need a new trellis for it.. or at least for the rose its taken to climbing on.. i need to take some pictures as well..

i have motorcycle updates as well.. i did a few small things so far and i have one giant job i would love to get done by the weekend but i dont forsee that happening.. its changing out my wheels and my pulley.. i need some help getting my bike up on the lift!! I guess i shouldnt have lowered it down as far as i did then i wouldnt have that problem now would i? LOL Its gonna look hot when i am done.. and this year i am running the pearl tins with the white ghost flames.. heheh..

i have other updates too .. but i dont think i am ready to lay that all out here.. maybe some day i will be brave enough to let every one into the depths of my life.. but for now.. i dont think i am ..

that will have to be for another day..

on another note i am calling to make an appointment to get my next tattoo.. i cant wait! its gonna so rock!!

I have also made a decision regarding my bathroom situation.. I have been trying to find that perfect tub.. well guess what? i was browsing thru some cabins for rent in the smokies.. and i found my solution!! i am going to use a galvanized stock tank.. aka a horse trough.. it will be 2ft deep..2 ft wide.. and 6ft long. .. a nice big soaking tub! i cant wait to take a bath! i havent had a bath in this house EVER.. the tub here sucks ass... and i have been on a hunt to find "just the right one"... i think this one fills all my needs.. it will be deep enough.. long enough and wide enough.. and even two people can fit in .. my vanity is going to be a dresser i have upstairs that i will stain and seal with helmsman urathane so steam wont ruin it.. and i will put a galvanized oval "bucket" of sorts on top for the sink.. i can see it all in my head.. i think its gonna be so cool!! and total cost for these three things... 145 dollars! and i already have the tile.. i have been debating the black slate.. but i think in such a small room i think i will stick with the lighter stuff i have .. and i am going to wall paper and do new trim.. i think i can keep this total cost of this project under 500 .. and that will so rock.. i just need to find a little help getting this old crap out of here and putting the new stuff in !! i am sure i can find some one.. anyway .. had to share!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Unexplainable

today.. i have an unexplainable desire to scream.. i also have an unexplainable desire to just let it all out and sob.. i dont understand it.. maybe i am tired.. exhausted .. five weeks of six days a week working will do that.. maybe i am tired of people fucking with me.. if you have something to say .. fucking say it.. dont allude .. dont try to make me guess.. just fucking say it..

there are a couple people right now that are game players trying to drag me down.. and i usually dont get down about this but when they try to drag people in that i actually care about.. then there is a problem

maybe i am just hungry.. i get this way when i need to eat.. or maybe i am just at the brink of mental break down and i just dont even know..

perhaps tomorrow i will forget all about it .. but for today .. i am a mess.. fuck.. i have to go to work in about 2 hours so i guess i should get it all together..

for right now.. i think i am just gonna go have a shower and let it all out .. and hope the neighbors dont think some one is trying to kill me.. although i think there are people that would like to mentally crush me.. and right now.. i think they just might be winning..

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Welcome Spring

Today it was 74 degrees and gorgeous around here.. i have seen signs of spring every where.. the hyacinths are blooming by my back door.. there are buds on my lilacs.. i hear motorcycles every where.. the forsythia in my neighbors yard is blooming those wonderful yellow flowers and i can see them when i look out my kitchen wondow while doing dishes..

i moved my hammock nearer my house so i can use my laptop in the evenings while relaxing out there.. i love wireless!!! my poor plum tree in the front yard was destroyed.. well rather pushed over by the heavy winds we had a few weeks ago.. is in bloom.. it makes me sad it cant be saved..but you know it was in an odd place anyway .. and i can always plant another in the back yard or in a place that makes better sense as far as shade and placement go..

i worked out in my flower beds today and got some clean up done.. i need to make a trip to lowe's or home depot and get some mulch to spruce up the beds a little and i also need to get out in front and get the rest of the leaves that were blown against the foundation of the house in the flower beds raked out and bagged.. i need to do a bit of pruning to the apple trees and trim back a few things and move some bulbs.. i swear i am gonna move those bulbs every year and fail to do it .. well this year .. its getting done!! i am tired of weirdly placed things in my yard.. i am going to move them into some of the flower beds and into the little line that goes between my neighbors yard and mine.... i also am going to get a shade garden going under my tree in front .. i cleaned it up last year and spread some seeds but some how they didnt sprout.. that might have to do with the non watering of them LOL..

i have good hopes for things this year .. i am prepared and happy to be here and ready to do some things with out any consent or decisions based on what any one else would think.. freedom is nice..that is why things around here are getting done.. cause i can do something i want with out some one coming in behind me making a face at that decision .. not going there.. really i am not..

jessicas space up stairs is almost done and with that she came in and announced that she was gonna move in with a friend that was closer to school and work (from here to school is a half hour and to work is 20 minutes) and when you are busy or need to come home for something it can eat an hour of your day .. and i totally understand it.. she felt bad because i had spent so much money up there but you know what..?? it works out for me .. really it does.. i can make those two rooms into my office and my work room and actually have a spare space for sleep overs as well .. so its really ok and she is always welcome back here if something happens between the two of them..

on the motorcycle front.. i have plans for a "spring fling" in oklahoma in may... some "midwest thunder" in michigan in june and i have been been invited to florida in september to go relax by the water .. and i am sure i will find other adventures on the way.. its gonna be a nice summer i can tell already..